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Meet the family!
Join the craze for looking up your ancestors with our guide to researching your family history.
Britain's Got Talent -
The Boyzone send-up on Youtube
Michael Jackson and Indian Dance on Youtube
How to Succeed in Exams
The following answers were given in childrens' science examinations:
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar..
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow. (brilliant)
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section."
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
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Call Centre Conversations
The following are claimed to be genuine conversations that have taken place at call centres.
Travel Centre
Customer: "I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?".
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".
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Samsung Electronics
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".
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RAC Motoring Services
Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?"
Operator: " Doesn't the product name give you a clue?"
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Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ):
"If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"
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Directory Enquiries
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please".
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off".
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Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland".
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On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
"I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on".
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Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".
Customer: "OK".
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?".
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".
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Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
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Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?
Don't ask for Coco Pops!
A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
'You know what?' says the 7 year old, 'I think it's about time we started swearing.'
The 4 year old nods his head in approval,so the 7 year old says,
'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?'
'Ok' the 4 year old, agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.
'Oh, **** mum,I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Coco Pops'
WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice,' And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?'
'I don't know,' he blubbers, 'but it won't be ****ing Coco Pops
Wisdom of the ages.
1) A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
2) On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3) 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4) 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5) Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6) He who laughs last thinks the slowest.
7) Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8) The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9) Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
10) A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11) Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12) If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13) How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14) Okay, so what's the speed of dark?
15) When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16) Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17) How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18) Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
19) What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20) Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
21) Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the _____ happened?'
22) Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23) Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
"I'm fine Sir"
In Ireland a farmer named Seamus O'Malley had a car accident.
In court, the lorry company's fancy hot shot solicitor was questioning Seamus.
'Didn't you say, to the Garda at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine Sir' asked the solicitor.
Seamus responded, 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'
'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, I'm fine?'
Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....'
The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Gárda that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor, 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.
Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was In terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Garda on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Garda came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, 'How are you feeling?'
'Now what in the devil's name would you say?'
I wonder why?
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Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
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Why do banks charge a fee on “insufficient funds” when they know there is not enough?
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Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billions stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
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Why doesn’t glue stick to the bottle?
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Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
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Whose idea was it to put an “s” in the word lisp?
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Why is it that no matter what colour bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?
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Why do people keep returning to the refrigerator with hopes that something new will have materialised?
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Why do people keep running over a piece of string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum cleaner one last chance?
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In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
Workers get bum deal!
UK workers have named cheap toilet roll as the object they most hate most about their office. A survey of workers by North-west property developer MDA found the top office pet hates were:
1. Cheap toilet roll.
2. Yucca plants.
3. Faulty air conditioning systems.
4. Stress balls/toys on desks.
5. Vending machine coffee.
6. Dirty cups piled in the sink.
7. Mismatched desks.
8. Patterned carpets.
9 Getting emails from colleagues 5 feet away.
10. Paper jams left in photocopiers.
On the buses
After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found
that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare
to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver
went to a nearby bus-stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride.
He then delivered the passengers to the mental
hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone
to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5 Ways to Silence a Furby
1. Immersion in water. Only if supervised by an adult.
2. Dropping from a high building.
3. Application of hammer.
4. Shutting in a dark cupboard. The lack of stimulation eventually shuts them up.
5. Removal of batteries. This is cheating, but the most effective sustainable solution.
Like cats and dogs?!
As seen in a dog's diary:
7 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favourite!
8 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favourite!
9 am - Oh boy! The kids! My favourite!
Noon - Oh boy! The yard! My favourite!
2 pm - Oh boy! A car ride! My favourite!
3 pm - Oh boy! The kids! My favourite!
4 pm - Oh boy! Playing ball! My favourite!
6 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Mum! My favourite!
7 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Dad! My favourite!
8 pm - Oh boy! Dog food! My favourite!
9 pm - Oh boy! Tummy rubs on the couch! My favourite!
11 pm - Oh boy! Sleeping in my people's bed! My favourite!
As seen in a cat's diary:
Day 183 of my captivity... My captors continued to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction that I get from clawing their furniture.
Tomorrow I will eat another houseplant.
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded - must try this at the top of the stairs.
In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favourite chair. I must remember to try this on their bed.
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear in their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, that did not work according to plan.
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More important, I overheard that my confinement was due to my powers of inducing "allergies." I must learn what this is and how I may use it to my advantage.
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I have patience, I can wait, it is only a matter of time...
ECO
Do you get it?
http://www.ecozine.co.uk
Be Part of the Solution
and Spread the Word.
Please do it now. Tomorrow is too late!
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Green Gags
For more great jokes follow this link
Fun Down Under
These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.
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Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
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Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
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Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
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Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns , Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK )
A: What did your last slave die of?
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Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe . Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not .... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
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Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
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Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
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Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
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Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )
A: You are a British politician, right?
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Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal. __________________________________________________
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
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Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
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Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ?
( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
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Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )
A: Yes, gay night clubs.
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Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )
A: Only at Christmas.
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Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the Girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross*. Can you help? ( USA )
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
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Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
Politics after death
While walking down the street one day in WashingtonDC, a US senator is tragically killed by gang
violence. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St.
Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to Heaven," says St.
Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a
problem. We seldom see a high official around these
parts, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the senator.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up.
What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and
one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend
eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in
heaven,” says the senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St.
Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down,
down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds
himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the
distance is a clubhouse and standing in front friends
and other politicians, everyone is very happy and in
evening dress. They run to greet, shake hands, and
reminisce about the good times they had while getting
rich at the expense of the people. They play a
friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar
and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really
is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that
before long it is time to go.
Everyone waves a hearty farewell and waves while the
elevator rises... The elevator goes up, up, up and the
door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting.
"Now it's time to visit heaven." So, 24 hours pass
with the senator joining a group of contented souls
moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and
singing. They have a good time and, before long, the
24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in
heaven. Now choose your eternity." The senator
reflects for a minute, then answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been
delightful, but I think I would be better off in
hell."
So St. Peter escorts the senator to the elevator and
it goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the
elevator opens in the middle of a barren land covered
with waste and garbage. All his friends, dressed in
rags, are picking up the trash and put! ting it in black
bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes
over and puts his arm around the senator.
"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday
I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse,
and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and
danced and had a great time. Now there's just a
wasteland full of garbage and my friends look
miserable. What happened?"
The devil smiles and says,
Yesterday we were campaigning ...... Today you voted."
Strange but true
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No piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times.
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It is impossible to tickle yourself
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Earth is the only planet not named after a pagan god.
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Apples are more efficient than caffeine at waking you up in the morning.
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The first owner of the Marlboro cigarette company died of lung cancer.
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Walt Disney was afraid of mice.
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The total combined weight of the world’s ant population is heavier than the weight of the human population.
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How may people would you have to gather in one room before the chances of 2 people having the same birthday are more than 50%? 23. Strange but true. This phenomenon is known to mathematicians as the Birthday Paradox. If the set of people is increased to sixty, the odds climb to above 99%. This means that with only sixty people in a room, even though there are 365 possible birthdays, it is almost certain that two people have a birthday on the same day.
Call for help
Two hunters are out in the woods in New Jersey when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the guy says:
"OK, now what?"
Balloon Debate
Once upon a time, there were three balloons - Daddy Balloon, Mummy Balloon and Baby Balloon. When Baby Balloon was very young he used to share a bed with Daddy and Mummy Balloon. When Baby Balloon got a bit older, Daddy and Mummy Balloon decided that he should have a bed of his own. In the middle of the first night that Baby Balloon had his own bed, he woke up and felt lonely, so he crept into Daddy and Mummy Balloon's bedroom. Unfortunately, Daddy and Mummy Balloon were sleeping very close together and there was no room for Baby Balloon to sleep between them. So he let out a bit of air from Daddy Balloon, a little from Mummy Balloon and a little from himself. He was then able to squeeze between Mummy and Daddy, and went to sleep.
Next morning, Daddy Balloon woke up, and saw what had happened. He was angry. He said to Baby Balloon:
"This isn't good enough, and has got to stop. You've let me down, you've let Mummy down, and worst of all, you've let yourself down"!
Holy Orders
A man goes to join a very strict and austere group of monks. When he joins they explain the rules: brethren can only say two words ever year.
At the end of the first year, the man, who is finding things just a bit too strict, goes to the Holy Father who asks him what he has to say for his two words.
“I’m cold” says the man.
Away he goes, and the second year is just as tough going. At the end of the year, he goes to the Holy Father who asks him again what he has to say:
“I’m hungry” says the man.
Away he goes, and the third year is just as bad. At the end of the year, he goes to the Holy Father for the third time:
“I’m leaving” he says.
“Thank goodness for that”, says the Holy Father, “you’ve done nothing but complain since you got here.”
Where do little fish go in the morning?
Plaice school.
Why are there no asprin in the rainforest?
Because the parrots eat 'em all
"Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a moth."
"I'm sorry, I don't think I can help you.".
"I know, I just saw your light was on."
"What is the definition of a conservative?
A liberal who has been mugged."
"Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a window.
"Where's the pain?"
Parking problem
A lady walks into a bank in London and asks to see the Manager. She says she's going to Hong Kong on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000. The Manager says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the lady hands over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the log book and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The Manager and the tellers all enjoy a good laugh at the lady for using a £200,000 Ferrari as collateral against a £5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the lady returns, repays the £5,000 and interest which comes to £15.41. The Manager says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a millionairess. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow £5,000?"
The lady replies...
"Where else in London can I park my car for two weeks for only £15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
Management Theory
A man in a huge hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced his altitude, and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 45 degrees north latitude and between 9 and 60 degrees west longitude.
"You must be in Information Technology," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am!" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well", said the woman, "you don't know where the hell you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep. You can feel the intense heat of flames at the back of your head - and now you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in
exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
Things they said
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." -- Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure" -- Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." -- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." -- Groucho Marx
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." -- Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." -- Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a friend... if you have one."
-- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill...followed by Churchill's response:
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second, if there is one." -- Winston Churchill
"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here." -- Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." -- John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." -- Irvin S Cobb
"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." -- Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." -- Paul Keating
"He had delusions of adequacy." -- Walter Kerr
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" -- Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." -- Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."-- Oscar Wilde
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
-- Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
-- Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-- Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
-- Jimmy Durante
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
-- Alex Levine
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin."
-- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."
-- Eleanor Roosevelt
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
-- Mark Twain
Money can't buy you happiness But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
-- Spike Milligan
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
-- Joe Namath
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
-- Bob Hope
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
-- Will Rogers
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. . As you grow older, it will avoid you.
-- Winston Churchill
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
-- Billy Crystal
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